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No self-control?

I keep trying to figure out my geist in all of this. I keep trying to look at it objectively. It’s almost impossible because the subjective side is overpowering. And that’s just it. How much of this was under my control? I was totally driven as a boy. There was no stopping it- and I tried my best for years. The shame, guilt and humiliation I felt afterward was so intense I would swear that I would stop because I never wanted to feel this bad again.

I thought things would mellow out when I got married, turning my interest to my wife’s panties, slips and lingerie. And I most certain did! But it wasn’t enough. My fetish was a total obsession, controlling my thoughts for hours a day. Sometimes when I was in the mood it was all I could think about all day. It controlled me. Despite being married I was masturbating five times a day with my wife’s panties. I was in heaven!

But it didn’t stop there. Mom and I had built up this ‘game’ since I was a young boy, this naughty little secret that we shared, that only we two were aware of. The tension built and the more things were kept silent the more powerful the dynamic grew. I craved that, the fear and risk of getting caught, the adrenaline flow of sneaking into her panty drawer, the fantasies of being caught by her. I lived for that moment when Mom would suddenly walk in on me while I was masturbating in her underwear, caught in the act at the most embarrassing possible moment. This fantasy thrilled me.

In my early 20s my sex drive was as strong as ever. It wasn’t enough to have my wife’s panties to play with. It wasn’t even enough to sneak over to Mom’s to play in her underwear. I needed to have my own panties! It was a fantasy of mine since I was 12. I never had a clear idea how I wanted it go down but my intense need to talk to Mom about this (for my own sanity) might have led to her open allowance to have my own pair, but of course, not just my own pair- my own pair of Mom’s panties. They had to be hers. There was something so special about them being hers. Of course, the attachment grew over years since hers were the only ones I had at my disposal after sis moved out when I was only 6.

This is where I begin to question my will power and role in all of this. I had panties to play with- my wife’s! I didn’t need to sneak over to Mom’s. I didn’t need to have own. I didn’t need to steal.

And yet I did. It was a force so powerful that it spun out of control. When my fiancee and I were shopping for our honeymoon I went bonkers over picking out lingerie with her! I was actually shopping for lingerie! Even touching it- right in front of my fiancee! Would I show too much glee? We went back and forth between a couple of stores deciding on a couple of silky nighty and panty sets. She finally noticed that we were spending as much time between these two stores as we had been shopping for everything else. We picked up two Vanity Fair chemise and panty sets and the die was cast. I would have to shop for my own panties. It was just so thrilling and exciting- and an incredible turn on.

Having the cover of a woman with you made things easy, if still wildly titillating. Being surrounded by 100s of panties and slips was incredibly intense and exciting. I was instantly turned on. However, I always had a deep fear of my fetish being exposed. It was always a back and forth thing I played with Mom, part of me tempting her to catch me, part of me fearing it. But being out in public? Just standing in the lingerie department created a pressure that is hard to describe. Part of me was torn to want to revel in the moment and release my inhibitions (if it were at all slightly possible) and the other part was sweating, hands cold and clammy, heart beating into my throat, dying to get out of there before someone saw me- and suspected my deep, dark secret! This feeling was so strong it would fill my entire body. It felt like I would go into another world.

And while the intense humiliation of shopping created a barrier that was only overcome when my fetish went completely out of control why did I still need to sneak back to Mom’s? To play that ‘game’ that I craved? It was such a turn on for me. And then to begin stealing her panties…. It intensified the dynamic but took a huge risk that my wife might find them.

Soon I was looking for ways to steal other panties given the opportunity. I began going down allies looking for full clotheslines, or even empty ones to revisit in the future. I snuck a couple from laundry rooms- and, of course, the occasional pair from Mom.

I was getting so carried away with all of this that I had a few slip ups at home. My small collection of panties included a couple of my wife’s, a couple of my Mom’s, a couple bought and a couple stolen. This did not sit well with my wife at all. We went to counseling and, surprisingly, she accepted it- for a while.

My fetish was so strong that with this green light from my wife I pushed too far too quickly. I stole a half-slip from my Mom and had one of my wife’s. I had several of her panties. I wanted to wear them to bed more than she felt comfortable with. But panty sex was the best! It was sheer heaven having my wife masturbate me in a pair of her panties!

The very first time was with a pair of her VF green panties that went with the set we had picked out. As we were having sex she asked if there was anything she could do. My thoughts swelled up and I kept saying the words over and over in my mind “Can you get a pair of your panties?” Even thinking these words turned me on more. I kept repeating them until the words came out of my mouth- seemingly in slow motion as I watched myself say them. That she picked out my favorite pair was even better. She rubbed me off with them and I had my most explosive orgasm to date! This was my dream come true- being masturbated by a woman with a pair of her panties! The feelings were incredible, beyond words.

By this point our local free weekly began running phone sex ads in the back. I would read them as soon as I got the paper in my hands and sometimes even masturbate while I did so, imaging all the raw and naughty things I would say.

I ran into an ad for the Panty of the Month club and chills went down my body. I had to call! I made an appointment to visit and was so excited I even had a very kinky dream about it the night before.

But these times were not to last. My fetish was overpowering and missing or stolen panties began to be a concern. I began wearing lingerie to bed to the point that it turned my wife off. Things went south. We separated for four months and then came a monumental moment.

I moved back in with Mom, fetish raging, and sought to up the ante on our little ‘game.’ I brought my growing collection of 30 panties with me and let Mom discover it- in my drawers, on the floor, in my bed. Finally, she confronted me- for the first time ever! We had a ‘brief’ talk (if you’ll pardon the expression) and then Mom clammed up and refused to talk about it anymore. Even just getting it out in the open with her was fuel on a raging fire.

At this point my fetish spun totally out of control. I remembered the phone sex ads in the paper and the idea of visiting an adult bookstore for the very first time in my life popped into my head. Who knows what I might find there?

What I did find were a couple of transvestite magazines. I was shocked by this but also intrigued. I had these raging feelings about wearing women’s underwear and here were magazines featuring men wearing nothing but lingerie! Of course, quite a bit of this was rather naughty stuff and some of the tv's were fully dressed and even passable. This was well down the road from where I wanted to be, but again I found it fascinating. What appealed to me most, though, were the personal ads in back. I couldn’t believe the things I was reading! Men who wore women’s underwear seeking to meet with other men to dress up and ‘play’! The thought of meeting with someone just like me was so tempting that I bought two magazines and quickly hurried back to Mom’s. I wrote to one tv who lived close by. A couple of letters and phone calls and we lined up a meeting. I was scared to death!

I won’t recount the story hear but the main point is how my fetish was taking complete control of me and making me do things that were well over the top. Could I stop myself from literally forcing myself into lingerie departments? Could I stop sneaking over to Mom’s to steal her panties? Could I rein in my urges to wear lingerie more and more at home? And now, could I keep myself from going as far as meeting another pantyboy?

The shame, guilt, embarrassment and humiliation I felt from being masturbated in lingerie by a pantyboy was simply overpowering. It was the most intense I had ever felt, as if my whole body was plugged into an electrical outlet. But it was also the most erotic.

Because I was doing something really forbidden, really taboo these horrible feelings just intensified. How could my urges make me do something like this? It was one thing to have a fetish for Mom’s underwear and have fantasies about her catching me but to actually dress up in women’s underwear with a man and let him fondle me to orgasm? It’s one of the most defining moments in my life.

And the question remains, could I have stopped it?

Again, looking objectively over my life I have to realized I have a very strong perversion. I am ‘porn addict’ of sorts. My porn is panties and all that comes along with it. I am seriously addicted to masturbating online with other pantyboys. Again, how did I get this way and how much was under my control? We can’t control our feelings but we can control our actions. And yet when these feelings rage out of control I succumb to them, over and over and over.

Sister's father in law
Crossdressing with mom

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